Trying to reason the emotion away only creates resistance.

If you felt the emotion, then it was real and right.

Whether someone else believes it’s justified is a separate part of the equation.
You must honor your emotion first — respect where it came from, soothe what the emotion is asking for, and only then move to repair the relationship or consequences.

Parents, teachers, peers, and partners have probably told you that you shouldn’t be upset, you shouldn’t cry, you’re overreacting, and don’t be so sensitive. You learned over many years that you must abandon yourself to appease others — if you feel your emotions, you become a burden that others cannot bear.

So you repress, question, and mistrust your emotions.

You avoid conflict when you’re upset.

You give in to what others want.

You stay in situations that aren’t good for you.

You sacrifice your peace and happiness to make others comfortable.

But your body and your emotions aren’t making things up. They are reacting to real circumstances through the lens of all the experiences you’ve lived through.

Continually repressed emotions eventually manifest in sneakier, more disruptive ways, just to be heard. This is where your panic attacks come in, your “over-emotional” reactions to a comment from your partner, your generalized anxiety, your dread to go to work, even your depression that keeps you in bed as long as it can. They need to be listened to and allowed to breathe in order to release their grip on your nervous system. They need to trust that you care about them.

ACTION: Notice the neglected emotions.

Pay attention to every time you brush off an emotion.

Notice when your diaphragm tightens, your stomach drops, your throat catches, and how you don’t allow the feeling to come up fully. It will feel like there is something you want to say or do, but you quickly and habitually shut it down and tell yourself it’s best not to say or feel that thing.

Maybe a friend or partner or boss says something that hurts you and you feel the pang of it, but you don't say anything because you don't know if it's fair, or you think maybe you’re overreacting. You might try to bury the emotion and appear put-together.

Remind yourself here, “Trust your emotions.”

Notice the emotion that wanted to come up, and instead of trying to think whether it was justified, just understand that your body knows things that your brain doesn't. Trust that the emotion was the right one, whether you understand it or not, and feel the sensations of the emotion in your body instead of over analyzing it.

ACTION: Express the small feelings first.

Awareness is powerful on its own, but once you get good at recognizing where the emotion begins, the real healing begins when you take action to break the pattern.

Maybe you notice disappointment come up while you're out with friends and they suggest eating at a place you don't like. Normally you might brush it off to go along with the group, but if you feel safe with these people, try speaking your preference aloud just to honor that the emotion is here.

You can say:

• “Aw I was really looking forward to that Mexican place.”

• “I’m actually really in the mood for pizza instead.”

I find the most impactful emotion to practice feeling is that sensation when your throat catches and swells to keep you from crying. This feeling is hard to miss and very strong, so it can be the easiest to let out when you finally allow it.

“Trust your emotions.”

Starting out, this may feel safer to express when it comes up out of joy, awe, or grief, or especially when you're alone, rather than perhaps in the midst of an argument.

Let the emotions out where it feels safe, and eventually you will trust yourself enough to express them with others.